Crumbs & Fish Bones for a King

Jesus looks up as an enormous crowd spills forth towards him. They had followed Jesus up the mountainside after he had crossed the sea of Galilee. As they approach, he looks to one of his disciples, Philip, and asks, “Where are we going to buy bread for all these people?” Scripture tells us in the account of the feeding of the five thousand, that Jesus had in mind what he was going to do, almost like he knew that there was a boy with five barley loaves and two fish, and had singled him out (John 6:1–6).

John only records 5,000 men; however, New Testament scholars suggest that this may well have been 15,000–20,000 people in total, including wives and children. This is a massive crowd! Jesus had asked Philip “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” (v. 5b). One can sense the banter going on between Jesus and his disciples. Philip retorts, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!” Andrew pipes up, perhaps sarcastically, “Here’s a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish.” And pulls him out from the crowd (John 6:7–9). “Yes, that would do. Get everyone to sit down on the grass,” Jesus says. Imagine the utter confusion on the disciples’ faces! A boy with only five small barley loaves and two small fish—likely tilapia or Kinneret sardines—to feed so many people is comical. But the boy was willing to give up everything he had to help.

The situation makes me think of a husband and wife fretting anxiously about how they are going to pay an unexpected bill, and their 4-year-old daughter, speaks up with an enormous smile, don’t worry Mom, and Dad, you can have my five-rand coin (0,28 USD) to pay the bills. They don’t scold their little girl in anger, instead, they turn to her with appreciation, because she offers what she has, she wants to help, even though her five Rand is such a small amount compared to the amount they need to pay the bills.

There is an ancient method of reading Scripture, called Lectio Divina. One of the techniques is to identify yourself with one of the characters in the bible story and begin envisioning what you might experience; the sounds, the smells, the atmosphere, the excitement, the crowds, the hunger; and hearing and seeing Jesus at a distance, and then perhaps relating some of what you read to your own life. When reading the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000, I often identify myself as the boy with the bread and the fish.

When I was 14, I had a deep conversion experience while sitting up in my bed one evening, the next day I woke up and I knew I was a different person. Not long after that, I had a strong sense that I was called to some form of ministry. Yet, I knew I had nothing to offer. This boy had five small loaves and two small fish—I had only crumbs and fish bones! I don’t often talk about this, but I was schooled for 6 years at Cape Recife in Port Elizabeth. Cape Recife is a special school for children with special needs. I have a learning disability, namely an auditory processing disorder (APD), and, therefore, I’m sometimes socially awkward, and I have a stutter thrown in for good measure, which was much worse when I was a child. Orals and reading aloud in class were absolute torture, though my teachers were always gracious and patient. Further, I had very little academic or athletic ability or aspirations at school, I was always a notch below average.

But there I was, a bright-eyed teenager having just given his life to Jesus, and now hearing the call to ministry. I had nothing to offer Jesus, except my life and my desire to serve him.

After my schooling, I wanted to become a pilot, but after two weeks, the flight academy discontinued my program because I could not talk on the radio, and neither did I have the aptitude for aviation, as much as I loved it. Later, I was offered a job by a lady at our church to supervise two women cleaning toilets in factories and delivering soap and toilet paper in bulk. The next year I began my studies in architecture, but because my grades were so poor, I had to do a foundation year in architecture and only after that could I go into first year. In that year I asked my father if he wouldn’t mind paying for my theological studies as well. I was trying my luck. Rightly so, he responded, “No. Son, I also have to put your brother and sister through varsity.” Without thinking, I said, “Okay, that’s no problem! I’ll continue studying for my degree in architecture and I’ll go out and work so that I can pay for my studies in theology from the money I earn.” So that’s what I did, I studied two degrees at the same time while working, drafting for clients, painting offices, and delivering pizza. After my bachelor’s in architecture and theology, I went on and did a master’s and doctorate in theology while working in various architectural practices in South Africa and Scotland.

It was lonely and frustrating. I knew I was called, and I had given Jesus all that I had which was not very much at all, but he had my heart. In the churches where I fellowshipped, none of them would give me an opportunity. In my first year of theology, I studied servant leadership and wished my church would give me something to lead, even if it was leading a small group cleaning toilets (after all I had experience in that). Come to think of it, I was given that responsibility seven years later in another church. While I was working on my PhD, I asked whether I could at the very least read the call to worship or give the announcements and see how that goes. Those conversations did not bear any fruit either!

Finally, when I was 31, that is 17 years from the year I was called into ministry—talk about patience—I was offered an opportunity to be a missionary in Kenya. But before Kenya, we had to go to Germany to raise support and meet the mission organization. One of the pastors was gracious enough to allow me to preach at his church. The night before, he asked me, “So, Robert how many times have you preached?” “Um, ah well, tomorrow will be my first time…” The look on his face said a thousand words, but it was too late! The sermon the next day went really well, and I was invited to preach again the following year. The first time I preached in South Africa was about 4 years later, by then I had lots of experience from Kenya.

No doubt there have been obstacles along the way since, and sometimes it’s been very painful. Yet, here I am, an ordained priest, and I serve as the Head (or Director, if you wish) of Research and Publishing. That is, I oversee multiple teams and coordinate all research and publishing at the South African Theological Seminary, including the master’s and PhD programs. I lead a phenomenal team of academics. I’ve presented papers at conferences, published peer-reviewed journal articles, and published books.

One might be tempted to say “Look at me! Look at how great I am! Look how much perseverance I had! Look how clever I am!” But the reality is that there is nothing to boast about! In some sense, I’m still the same 12-year-old kid sitting in the back of his class struggling to keep up.

Like the boy in John 6, I know what it is like to stand in front of a crowd, with crumbs and fish bones. But do you know who is standing behind me with the biggest and happiest grin ever? Jesus— “For he already had in mind what he was going to do.” (John 6:6b).

You see it’s not about me, it never was and never will be. The boy in the account of Jesus Feeding the 5,000, we don’t even know his name, who he is, and where he is from. All we know is that he had very little food to feed the 5000, or 20,000 if we include wives and children.

The focus in this biblical passage quickly shifts from the boy to Jesus, and that is where the “magic”—the miracle—happens, “Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish. When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, ‘Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.’  So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.” (John 6:11–13).

After they saw the miracle of Jesus feeding everyone with only five small loaves of bread and two fish, the people forget about the boy, he is never spoken of again, and they gaze upon Jesus, proclaiming, “‘Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world.’” (John 6:15). The Jews had been waiting a long time for a Prophet, a Messianic figure that would redeem and rescue them from Roman dominion. This was a very different figure than what Jesus had in mind for himself. His purpose for coming into the world was far more cosmic than any of his contemporaries could ever imagine! They failed to see what kind of King Jesus is and knowing that they would intend to make him a king by force cast in their own imagining, he quietly retreats again to the mountain by himself (John 6:15).

Before the presence of this heavenly King, all our gifts and achievements fade away and Christ Jesus is glorified in them because he takes the little or the nothing that we have and makes something beautiful out of it, so that others may benefit, and that he may be glorified.  

One might be tempted to think that if we give Jesus our all, even if it’s barely anything at all—crumbs and fish bones—that he would snatch them up, turn everything to gold in an instant and everything would be hunky dory. This was kind of true in the feeding of the 5,000, but when it comes to our lives, the process looks very different. This is true even of the greatest of saints, even for the Apostle Paul.

This is why I love it that the story that follows on from feeding the 5,000 is Jesus walking on water (John 6:16–21). There is so much application here for our own lives.

It was getting dark quickly, so the disciples left Jesus behind, and headed down to the lake, they hopped into their boats and crossed over to Capernaum. One wonders why they decided to leave Jesus behind, but anyway, they did. By the time they were in their boats, it was dark.

It’s rarely a good idea to interpret Scripture using allegory, but considering the biblical application for our own lives, one can’t help noticing that the disciples are alone on the lake, it’s dark and Jesus isn’t with them (John 6:16–17). It’s not uncommon for devout Christians to feel this way. Saint John of the Cross calls this, “The dark night of the soul.” In my own life, as well as I am sure with many of you, this feeling is all too familiar.

And as if being alone on the water in the middle of the night without Jesus isn’t enough, things start going terribly wrong, a strong wind begins blowing and the waters begin to grow rough (John 6:18). No doubt you can relate to the situation in which the disciples find themselves, even though it might be very different circumstances. You might find yourself in the dark night of the soul, and your world is falling apart. But cast your eyes across the rough waters, and you will find Jesus approaching you in the most unexpected places and in the most unusual ways. For the disciples, Jesus approached them walking on water! As he walks towards them, Jesus proclaims two things. Firstly, “It is I.” He wants us to recognize that he is with us, and that it’s him and not some ominous figure, so invite him into the boat. Invite him into your storm. Secondly, he says, “Don’t be afraid.” Seeing a man walking in the middle of the night on the lake would certainly be an eerie sight for any of us, but Jesus calls us to trust him and not to be fearful. In this account, Jesus does not calm the storm, like he does in another account (see Mark 4:35–41), he is simply with his disciples, and that is enough comfort for them. The ending of this passage is rather odd, once Jesus climbs into the boat, John writes, “and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.” (John 6:19–20). Almost as if to say, that when Jesus is in the boat with you, even when life gets dark and stormy, he will take you to your destination even if it takes a miracle.

Coming to Jesus with your crumbs and fish bones, or whatever it might be, is only the beginning of your story. After that, Jesus takes us on a lifelong journey with mountain tops and valleys, loneliness, fear, rough waters, and the dark night of the soul. And yet, Jesus is only a few steps away, don’t be afraid, invite him in, and when you do, that is when he begins to work in your life and transform you into what he has called you to be. And all of this is for his glory.